Insanely Massive Soccer/Football Spam
Aug. 27th, 2010 01:30 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
coyotesuspectThis is a long promised spam of football/soccer players for my beloved [Bad username or site: @ livejournal.com], with a heavy emphasis on the national teams of the US, Spain, Germany, and Brazil.
This is in no way an exhaustive guide to important players, just ones I'm particularly fond of, largely having to do with reasons of them being attractive and/or adorable. It also contains almost zero analysis. My apologies for not accenting names and clubs appropriately.
But it's full of really hot men, okay? Possibly the least dial up friendly thing ever.
A multinational assortment of attractive men welcome you in.
We'll start this off with my favorite team- the US Men's National Soccer Team. They're gutsy, they're spirited, they're often underestimated, and they're dedicated. They're playing a friendly in Chicago in October and I will probably sell my kidney to see them.
AMERICA! FUCK YEAH!
You have never seen so much America in one place. Mt. Rushmore wishes it were these guys.
As far as players go, let's start with my favorite player on said favorite team:
-*-Carlos Bocanegra -*-
aka Captain America
A defender, Bocanegra wears the number 3 jersey when he's playing on the American National Team,
and when he's playing for his club team, Saint Etienne in the French Lige 1.
Why is he my favorite? Well, look at him... No. I'm kidding. I'm not that shallow.
Dat back.
...I'm sorry. What was I saying? Right. Bocanegra is not my favorite soccer player
because he is devastatingly attractive. I also like him because-
Giggling at my computer screen rn.
BECAUSE he's a great player and he seems like a really nice, dedicated, sweet and goofy guy.
And he's Captain America, guys. He represents America.
And quite well, I might add.
He's also just really, really cute.
Also, I'm pretty sure you could do pull ups on his arms. Guh.
And here he is with fellow US teammate, Benny Feilhaber. Making me explode from combined hotness.
Originally,![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
familiardevil and I referred to him as Bonus!Benny. I don't remember why this is though.
Regardless, he has since become one of our favorite soccer players.
Partly because he is very, very pretty, and partly because he is a giggly goofball.
An attacking midfielder, he's scored some pretty sick goals for the US, he was pretty much just
used as a substitute during the World Cup,though he still got significant play time.
~*~lost in your eyes~*~
Jawline.
There are, however, rumors that he may transfer to an MLS (American) team. (Please God please.)
We'll find out soon enough either way. Transfer season ends this week.
Still jawline.
In less soccery news- sometimes he has hair! Sometimes he even has a Jewfro.
Naturally, familiar and I have had several conversations about the ideal length of his hair.
Despite how serious he looks in most of the above pictures, he seems like a really...not serious guy.
The above is him lip syncing, in bed, to No Air.
And here is him giggling.
And here is him lying on the ground. Mmm.
And here he is at the ESPYs back in July with Carlos (hello again Carlos!) and their US teammate,
-*-Stu Holden-*-
His middle name is Alistair!
Stu Holden is possibly the most ridiculous person to exist.
I have no idea what series of events led to this.
Proof.
If you feel like he looks about nine, you would not be alone.
Further proof.
Steve "Mayor of Hannover" "Dolo" Cherundolo, Stu, and some guy.
Also proof.
Wind that leg.
Apparently he is also an, er, talented dancer.
Fun fact! His hair has its own twitter.
On the apparent opposite end of the temperament spectrum from Stu is fellow midfielder
-*-Michael Bradley-*-
I'm not sure if that's a smile or a sneer or an "I'm about to eat your face' expression.
His bald head is a beacon of justice and America.
It's whatfamiliardevil and I look for when we're watching shitty streams of his games.
He currently plays for the club Borussia-Moenchengladbach in the German Bundesliga.
I like him better with hair though.
His dad, Bob Bradley, is actually the coach of the US Men's National Team, which has led to accusations of nepotism.
These accusations completely disregard the fact that Bradley is an extremely talented player.
He was the youngest MLS player ever to be sold to a foreign team. That's impressive.
Accusations of nepotism are met with the death glare.
However, he does have a reputation for temper issues.
He's been suspended from games for arguing with the ref after games were over.
And his teammates regularly hold him back/shove him away from potential confrontations.
Honestly? The temper issues make me like him more.
This picture is just here for shallow reasons.
He's also kind of adorable.
Especially when he smiles. :D
Seen here with American hero, Landon Donovan.
And he seems well-liked by his teammates, such as America's vice captain
-*- Landon Donovan -*-
American hero.
Donovan is the best known, and possibly best, American soccer player active today.
He's currently a winger/forward/attacking midfielder for MLS team LA Galaxy.
But after an immensely personally successful World Cup,
there's talk of him moving back to Europe to play for a club there.
American hero.
Donovan's status as an American hero was secured when, in stoppage time (loosely equivalent to overtime),
he scored a goal against Algeria in the World Cup, thus winning the game and securing America a position in the Round of 16.
That goal- and that win- also pushed the US to a first place finish in its group.
In non World Cupese: That's really awesome.
American hero with USMNT's goalie, Tim Howard.
American hero
He also plays the violin!
American hero
And chess! For dummies! With,
-*-Clint "Deuce" Dempsey-*-
Clint chilling in his underwear, like the gangsta he is.
Another great player on the USMNT, Dempsey is so tough, he once played two games with a broken jaw.
He once got into a fistfight with one of his own teammates. He's broken one opposing player's jaw and another's cheekbone.
But he looks so cuddly!
He's actually also a rap artist, which is where the nickname "Deuce" comes from.
And when he is not being incredibly badass or playing for Team America (Fuck Yeah),
he plays for Fulham, a club in the English Premier League.
Orly?
And who is Dempsey eyebrowing? Why, none other, than
-*-Jozy Altidore-*-
Jozy & Clint, still being gangsta.
Sadly, I don't have a lot of pictures of Altidore. But he's a very young (20 years old!) and very promising player.
He also has a surprisingly sexy voice.
QT
He's a striker who currently plays for the Spanish La Liga team Villareal,
which signed him for $10 million from the NY Red Bulls, the most paid for any MLS player.
While he didn't do as well as was hoped during the World Cup, during the Conferderations Cup last year, Altidore, along with Clint Dempsey, scored against (and defeated!) current World Cup Champions
SPAIN
These motherfuckers won the World Cup.
I don't have one pic or gif that I feel exemplifies La Furia Roja, so have a couple.
I also think Spain is probably the best looking of the national teams. Feel free to try to convince me otherwise though.
I'm not sure if it would be amazing or terrifying to be at the bottom of this.
Captain of this ragtag group of manpilers is the living legend
-*-Iker Casillas-*-
Literal GQMF.
Casillas is Spain's goalie, and arguably the best goalie currently active.
During the entire World Cup, he conceded two goals, both of them in Spain's first match against Switzerland.
We've got some JJ Abrams shit going on here. MOAR LENS FLARE
His goalkeeping prowess has even earned him the nickname San Iker. (Saint Iker. :P)
Casillas is also captain of his club team, Real Madrid,
a team which he has been associated with...pretty much his entire life.
.
Please refrain from licking the screen. And keep some water handy in case your pants burst into flames.
He used to have an adorable bromance with David Beckham, when Beckham was playing for
Real Madrid before he moved to LA tobe a movie star play for the LA Galaxy in the MLS.
And did I mention his smoking hot/flawless/gorgeous Spanish sports reporter girlfriend?
-*-Sara Carbonero-*-
They're seriously adorable.
OTP
Adorable and in love.
They probably leave scorch marks in the Earth when they have sex.
Returning to actual soccer players, also on the Spain NT is
-*-Fernando Torres-*-
"El Nino"
Torres plays as a striker for Spain and for the English Premier League club Liverpool.
While he had a lackluster World Cup that was marred by injury, he's still a great player:
BOOM!
And he's nice to look at too. O:)
His bitchfaces are legendary. And their own internet meme.
Bitchface is to Fernando Torres as thumbs up is to Stu Holden
But he's a qt when he smiles.
And when he's drunk.
Now, to class things up, we have Torres's former Liverpool teammate and Spain NT teammate
-*-Xabi Alonso-*-
Definition of GQMF; don't care if this is Esquire
A midfielder for Real Madrid, Alonso's wikipedia page is written in a hilariously breathless tone: On the Basque sands Alonso befriended a fellow resident of Calle Matia...
He is widely considered to be the best dressed man in football.
This is on top of just being generally gorgeous.
He also gives excellent side eye.
Do you feel inferior yet?
His bitchfaces are also quite excellent.
Interestingly- and disconcertingly- pictures of him from when he was younger make him look like Jared and Jensen's lovechild.
Xabi Padackles
Sometimes he plots how to end Christmas
And sometimes he carries around Spain teammate
-*-David Villa-*-
David Villa is possibly my favorite of all the Spain NT members. Partly this is because, as of this season, he plays for the first football team I supported, Barcelona. Partly this is because he seems like a funny, down to earth, and family oriented guy. And partly this is because he looks like an adorable gremlin person, especially when he's excited.
He's a also a damn good striker. Of the 8 goals Spain scored during the World Cup, he made 5 of them.
Living the life and rocking the soulpatch.
Surprise!Villa > Surprise!JDM
Villa's Villa
His last name also lends itself to the above awesome pun/macro combo.
And, like the rest of the Spain, he has a superb bitchface.
Here's Villa with Alonso and their Spain teammate
-*-Cesc Fabregas-*-
I actually don't have a lot of pictures of Fabregas on his own.
But, briefly, Fabregas is a midfielder and the captain of English Premier League Club Arsenal.
Sometimes, like here, his hair reminds me of Rod Blagojevich. Sorry familiar.
Besides winning the World Cup, this summer has been a dramatic one for Fabregas. His boyhood team Barcelona has, unsuccessfully so far, tried to bid him away from Arsenal. Fan passions have been riled up on both sides.
Apparently this is an actual quote. Also, he is afraid of mushrooms.
But really, I have a hard time taking him seriously.
Like Fabregas, I have very few individual pictures of his Spain teammate
-*-Gerard Pique-*-
Intense eyes of intensity
Pique has a reputation on the interwebz for being a giant, herp derping manchild.
I can't speak to the veracity of this, but he did spit on a guy during Spain's World Cup celebrations.
This is a herp derp.
Happyclap!
Pique is currently a center back for Barcelona, and, while he had a four year stint playing at Manchester United in England, he, like Fabregas, grew up playing football in Barcelona's youth academy.
Which brings me quite nicely to
-*-Fabrique-*-
bffles
Fabregas and Pique, whose portmanteau not of my invention is Fabrique, have known each other since they were children and have one of the most adorable bromances in football.
D'aaaaw.
This is exactly what it looks like.
They are too cute for this world.
Fabregas, however, is not the only one who has adorable/borderline inappropriate moments with Pique:
I believe that is Villa on the very top.
The man laying down on Pique?
-*-Fernando Llorente-*-
He is committed to the tight jersey.
Fernando Llorente is a striker for Spain and for the Spanish La Liga team Athletic Bilbao. He reminds me of a lion.
And he looks great in a suit. He also has amazing eyes, just like
-*-Jesus Navas-*-
Navas is a winger for Spain and the Spanish La Liga team Sevilla. He reminds me of an elf.
I'm convinced that if he and Llorente ever looked directly into one another's eyes, it would result in a tear of the time-space continuum.
I'm also convinced he has a secret bromance with
-*-Sergio Ramos-*-
Navas and Ramos ON A PLANE
Unfortunately, I haven't saved much evidence of this because it took me awhile to notice the fact that they are almost always standing right next to each other. But soon I will have all the proof I need.
I have a weird thing for guys with long hair wearing suits.
When I'm not obsessing over Ramos's possible secret bromances, I, like the rest of the world, am admiring his hair. . As you can see, he cleans up quite nicely. Though most of his fashion choices are nothing short of tragic.
I say suits or shirtless. Those are his only two choices.
Ramos is a defender for Spain and Real Madrid.
He also has an adorable relationship with Real Madrid and Spain teammate, Casillas. This relationship mainly consists of Ramos touching/hugging/kissing Casillas while Casillas looks annoyed.
Next up in our teams, who fell to Spain in a 1-0 defeat in the quarterfinals of the World Cup is,
GERMANY
aka Die Mannschaft
Like with Spain, I don't have One Perfect Picture of the German team, so have a few. They're an incredibly affectionate bunch.
While they weren't my favorite team at the World Cup, they were my favorite to watch. Want a game with lots of goals?
Germany scored 4 goals apiece in games against Australia, England, and Argentina.
They're also a very young team, and despite their relative youth and inexperience, placed third.
I am, needless to say, very excited to see how well they do four years from now in the next World Cup, once they've all had four more years of experience. And the player I'm most excited for?
-*-Thomas Mueller-*-
Mueller is an attacking midfielder/forward who currently plays for the German NT and the Bundesliga club Bayern Munich.
He's a gazelle.
He makes me feel like a failure. At twenty years old, he scored five goals and had three assists during the World Cup, earning him the Golden Boot for top goal scorer. He also won the Best Young Player award. This is despite having to sit out one of his team's matches- their defeat against Spain.
He also happens to look a lot like the Remus Lupin I've always pictured in my head- attractive in a sandy-haired, big nosed, gawky kind of way.
On top of all this general amazingness (I fan him pretty hard, if you couldn't tell), he's completely adorable.
He winks a lot.
And does stuff like this.
And roars.
Someone once described as being like a cartoon character. I completely agree with this assessment.
Nets! The eternal predator of lion-gazelles.
And sometimes he gets tangled in nets.
Here he is with teammate
-*-Arne Friedrich-*-
Friedrich hugging German NT World Cup captain Phillip Lahm.
On a team with a reputation for being affectionate and touchy by the standards of international football, Friedrich has a reputation for being the huggingest* of the bunch.
*(Totally a word)
Friedrich with teammate Oezil.
A center back, Friedrich plays for the Bundesliga team VFL Wolfsburg. This week, it was decided he needed back surgery. ):
So I'm hoping for the best for the poor bb.
He also does this adorable thing with his teammates' hands. I assume it is a prelude to the hugging.
The internet also occasionally refers to him as Prince Arne. This has nothing to do with an imperious temperament, and everything to do with the fact that he kind of looks like a Disney prince.
Just look at his smile, for chrissakes.
He also rocks a scarf. And can cook. *___*
And is just generally awesome.
Also awesome? (look guys, I've been working on this post for hours. I'm running out of transitions.)
-*-Bastian Schweinsteiger-*-
Schweinsteiger is a dork. And adorable. Adorkable. He's a midfielder who, like Mueller, plays for Bayern Munich.
He dances!
He falls off stools!
His laugh is ridiculously cute!
His girlfriend is out of his league!
But he's so cute, you can't really fault him for it. And they're incredibly sweet together.
Schweinsteiger's best friend on the German NT is
-*-Lukas Podolsku-*-
I don't really have many pics of Podolski either. However, I do know that, despite being Polish, he plays as a striker/winger for the German NT and on the Bundesliga team Koeln.
And, while I don't have a lot of pictures of Podolski on his own, I do have a tremendous amount of him with Schweinsteiger. Together, they make the football bromance
-*-Schweinski-*-
Schweinski has everything. It has headclutching!
Cheekpinching!
Camera whoring!
Hand holding!
Bed sharing!
Hugging!
General adorableness!
...Whatever this is!
They even have a designated third wheel,
-*-Mario Gomez-*-
Schweinskimez?
Gomez is also very close to Schweinsteiger. Like Schweinsteiger and Mueller, he plays on Bayern Munich as well as the German NT. He's a striker.
Here he is dancing with Schweinsteiger, with whom he seems to have a somewhat lesser though no less adorable bromance as the one between Schweinsteiger and Podolski.
I think this is also him with Schweinsteiger.
Wow Wow Wow!
This is from an amazing video in which he and Schweinsteiger go shopping together.
I am just as shocked as anyone that Gomez is married. To a woman.
One of my favorite things about him, besides his fabulousness, is his lack of tan lines.
I really don't think he wears underwear, tbqh
And I always appreciate it when he doesn't wear a shirt.
That's all I have for the die Mannschaft for now. So next up is
BRAZIL
These guys are fierce.
Most famous of them?
-*-Kaka-*-
Like most things in my life, the purpose of this picspam is largely shallow/part of a large and glorious in-joke withfamiliardevil , and this late into the picspam, she's probably the only one still reading.
So I'll limit my commentary about Kaka to the basics: he's an attacking midfielder currently playing for Real Madrid. He's one of the best players in the world. And he went through surgery recently. ): He has my best wishes for a swift recovery.
Now to just enjoy the pretty:
He's adorable.
He has a great smile.
He looks great in a suit. (As does RM teammate, Iker Casillas. Hello again Iker!)
And here are Iker and Kaka again. Being too precious for this world.
He also has a great body. Yay!
And he looks damn cute with...just about everyone. But I like to think he looks cutest with my personal favorite Brazilian, Nilmar:
This picture comes with bonus Robinho.
-*-Nilmar-*-
Nilmar is a striker for Spanish La Liga team Villareal. I originally noticed him in the World Cup because, well, he's kind of gorgeous. He's a good player too but this picspam is not about skill.
Look at his smiiiile!
I will, however, say that he seems like a genuine sweetheart. I can't find the interview now (I am not actually looking that hard for the interview, tbh), but he says while he hopes his newborn son is interested in football, the most important thing is for his son to grow up to be happy.
All together now: Aaaaaw.
Jailbait?.
And sometimes he looks like he's fifteen.
Definitely jailbait.
A really hot fifteen year old who makes you consider the benefits of a Demi Moore/Ashton Kutcher relationship.
Observe:
And here he is with one of my other favorite Brazilian bbs:
-*-Elano-*-
If I could sum up the entire Brazilian NT in one word, it would be adorable. Just look at this guy.
Elano is an attacking midfielder who currently plays for the Turkish Super Lig club Galatasaray.
):
Unfortunately, he was injured pretty badly in Brazil's second game in the World Cup, and had to sit out the rest of the World Cup.
And here he is with with Kaka (♥) and the final Brazilian in this spam
-*-Robinho-*-
Robinho is a striker who ostensibly plays for Manchester City. I say ostensibly because from January until earlier this month, he was playing for his home club Santos in Brazil on loan. While Santos didn't make a bid for him when his loan ended, he's expressed a desire to move from Manchester City before the summer transfer window closes at the end of this week.
So we'll see where he ends up.
He probably has one of the best smiles I've ever seen.
He also has an adorable tendency to look like Kaka's mirror image. Like here.
And here.
He's also a ham. But that just makes him even more adorable.
And that wraps up my NT spam. Now for
EVERYONE ELSE
-*-Cristiano Ronaldo-*-
He's Eurotrash.
What can one say about Cristiano Ronaldo? He's the captain of the Portugal NT. Like Kaka, he plays for Real Madrid, though as a forward/winger. Also like Kaka, he's one of the most famous and talented players in the world.
He's also an incredibly divisive figure. This is largely due to his personality, both on and off the field.
Absolutely adorable Eurotrash.
He's prone to tantrums and childish tricks. Apparently he skype dates women. And he, reportedly, picked up a woman with the immortal line, "You. Me. Fuck fuck."
The last one is kind of sketch. But it's testament to his personality that it sounds like it could be true.
But the woman he allegedly used that line on? Had his kid. And, in one of the strangest celebrity parental dramas in recent memory, Ronaldo paid her off to not contact the kid until he's eighteen and now has custody of the kid, who's apparently being raised by Ronaldo's mother.
Despite all this, I am somewhat unwillingly fond of the guy. And not because I'm attracted to him. He has the Chad Michael Murray Effect- any attractiveness the guy might have is ruined by his perceived douchiness.
But there's something so absolutely childlike about the guy that I love.
Like I said, childlike.
Like I said, childlike. Though, to be fair, I reacted the exact same way- jumping up, banging my fists, and all- when someone ruined the US v. Ghana game for me.
Douchehat.
The guy's a supporter of gay marriage, adorable with children, and spends a lot of his time and money on charity with children.
Like here:
He also rocks the pink flower and tight shorts look. When asked about this get up?
"Men wear pink these days. Okay, not many men wear flowers, but it’s good to be different."
In conclusion, I think the above picture sums up, quite nicely, my feelings about him: cynical dismay and stupid admiration.
Wait, one last thing, he and Kaka have another one of thos adorable football bromances. This one doesn't have a catchy portmanteau name that I'm aware of, but I would like to humbly suggest Kakaldo.
Kaka & Ronaldo
Kaka, back when they played on Inter Milan, also had a minor, but still cute, bromance with
-*-Yoann Gourcuff-*-
Gourcuff is a midfielder for, as of this week, the French club Lyon. He played on the French NT during the World Cup, but considering how the French NT.... imploded, what the national squad will look like in the future is in question.
No matter what though, he will remain one of the most gorgeous people in existence.
Fun fact: There are two other men in this picture.
Gourcuff is also incredibly close to how I've pictured Sirius Black in my head.
He's even wearing a leather jacket!
The next, and final, player to be introduced in this spam is:
-*-Rafa Marquez-*-
Marquez is a defender/midfielder and the captain of the Mexican NT. Recently of Barcelona, he transferred this summer to play for the NY Red Bulls. Reinforcing the notion that the MLS is where great footballers come to retire.
But he's handsome as fuck, so whatever.
And you would think that would finish the spam, except...
I wasn't really done with Carlos Bocanegra:
-*-Carlos again-*-
I also wasn't done with Iker Casillas, tbqh.
-*-Iker again-*-
Kindly continue scrolling to your right.
And that, ladies and gentlemen, is the end of this spam.
In conclusion:
Note on sources: Pictures are from all over the place- various lj comms, tumblr, google images, [Bad username or site: @ livejournal.com]'s magnificent spamming of [Bad username or site: @ livejournal.com]'s journal. Facts are mainly from wikipedia, articles, and interviews I've read/watched with the players.
This is in no way an exhaustive guide to important players, just ones I'm particularly fond of, largely having to do with reasons of them being attractive and/or adorable. It also contains almost zero analysis. My apologies for not accenting names and clubs appropriately.
But it's full of really hot men, okay? Possibly the least dial up friendly thing ever.
A multinational assortment of attractive men welcome you in.
We'll start this off with my favorite team- the US Men's National Soccer Team. They're gutsy, they're spirited, they're often underestimated, and they're dedicated. They're playing a friendly in Chicago in October and I will probably sell my kidney to see them.
AMERICA! FUCK YEAH!
You have never seen so much America in one place. Mt. Rushmore wishes it were these guys.
As far as players go, let's start with my favorite player on said favorite team:
-*-Carlos Bocanegra -*-
aka Captain America
A defender, Bocanegra wears the number 3 jersey when he's playing on the American National Team,
and when he's playing for his club team, Saint Etienne in the French Lige 1.
Why is he my favorite? Well, look at him... No. I'm kidding. I'm not that shallow.
Dat back.
...I'm sorry. What was I saying? Right. Bocanegra is not my favorite soccer player
because he is devastatingly attractive. I also like him because-
Giggling at my computer screen rn.
BECAUSE he's a great player and he seems like a really nice, dedicated, sweet and goofy guy.
And he's Captain America, guys. He represents America.
And quite well, I might add.
He's also just really, really cute.
Also, I'm pretty sure you could do pull ups on his arms. Guh.
And here he is with fellow US teammate, Benny Feilhaber. Making me explode from combined hotness.
(And that's Johnny Bornstein in the background. Hi Johnny!)
Which brings me too...
Originally,
familiardevil and I referred to him as Bonus!Benny. I don't remember why this is though.Regardless, he has since become one of our favorite soccer players.
Partly because he is very, very pretty, and partly because he is a giggly goofball.
An attacking midfielder, he's scored some pretty sick goals for the US, he was pretty much just
used as a substitute during the World Cup,though he still got significant play time.
~*~lost in your eyes~*~
Currently he plays for Aarhus, a Danish football team which was relegated last season to the second division.
Which, in practical terms, means finding his games is practically impossible.
Wikipedia says Aarhus still plays in the first division in the Danish league.
Wikipedia is a filthy liar.
Jawline.
There are, however, rumors that he may transfer to an MLS (American) team. (Please God please.)
We'll find out soon enough either way. Transfer season ends this week.
Still jawline.
In less soccery news- sometimes he has hair! Sometimes he even has a Jewfro.
Naturally, familiar and I have had several conversations about the ideal length of his hair.
Despite how serious he looks in most of the above pictures, he seems like a really...not serious guy.
The above is him lip syncing, in bed, to No Air.
And here is him giggling.
And here is him lying on the ground. Mmm.
And here he is at the ESPYs back in July with Carlos (hello again Carlos!) and their US teammate,
-*-Stu Holden-*-
His middle name is Alistair!
Stu Holden is possibly the most ridiculous person to exist.
I have no idea what series of events led to this.
Proof.
If you feel like he looks about nine, you would not be alone.
Further proof.
Steve "Mayor of Hannover" "Dolo" Cherundolo, Stu, and some guy.
Also proof.
I have at least a dozen pictures of him flashing thumbs up.
It speaks for itself, really.
When he is not being ridiculous/amazing, Stu's a midfielder on the USMNT and for the English Premier League club, Bolton.
Wind that leg.
Apparently he is also an, er, talented dancer.
Fun fact! His hair has its own twitter.
On the apparent opposite end of the temperament spectrum from Stu is fellow midfielder
-*-Michael Bradley-*-
I'm not sure if that's a smile or a sneer or an "I'm about to eat your face' expression.
His bald head is a beacon of justice and America.
It's what
familiardevil and I look for when we're watching shitty streams of his games.He currently plays for the club Borussia-Moenchengladbach in the German Bundesliga.
I like him better with hair though.
His dad, Bob Bradley, is actually the coach of the US Men's National Team, which has led to accusations of nepotism.
These accusations completely disregard the fact that Bradley is an extremely talented player.
He was the youngest MLS player ever to be sold to a foreign team. That's impressive.
Accusations of nepotism are met with the death glare.
However, he does have a reputation for temper issues.
He's been suspended from games for arguing with the ref after games were over.
And his teammates regularly hold him back/shove him away from potential confrontations.
Honestly? The temper issues make me like him more.
This picture is just here for shallow reasons.
He's also kind of adorable.
Especially when he smiles. :D
Seen here with American hero, Landon Donovan.
And he seems well-liked by his teammates, such as America's vice captain
-*- Landon Donovan -*-
American hero.
Donovan is the best known, and possibly best, American soccer player active today.
He's currently a winger/forward/attacking midfielder for MLS team LA Galaxy.
But after an immensely personally successful World Cup,
there's talk of him moving back to Europe to play for a club there.
American hero.
Donovan's status as an American hero was secured when, in stoppage time (loosely equivalent to overtime),
he scored a goal against Algeria in the World Cup, thus winning the game and securing America a position in the Round of 16.
That goal- and that win- also pushed the US to a first place finish in its group.
In non World Cupese: That's really awesome.
American hero with USMNT's goalie, Tim Howard.
American hero
He also plays the violin!
American hero
And chess! For dummies! With,
-*-Clint "Deuce" Dempsey-*-
Clint chilling in his underwear, like the gangsta he is.
Another great player on the USMNT, Dempsey is so tough, he once played two games with a broken jaw.
He once got into a fistfight with one of his own teammates. He's broken one opposing player's jaw and another's cheekbone.
But he looks so cuddly!
He's actually also a rap artist, which is where the nickname "Deuce" comes from.
And when he is not being incredibly badass or playing for Team America (Fuck Yeah),
he plays for Fulham, a club in the English Premier League.
Orly?
And who is Dempsey eyebrowing? Why, none other, than
-*-Jozy Altidore-*-
Jozy & Clint, still being gangsta.
Sadly, I don't have a lot of pictures of Altidore. But he's a very young (20 years old!) and very promising player.
He also has a surprisingly sexy voice.
QT
He's a striker who currently plays for the Spanish La Liga team Villareal,
which signed him for $10 million from the NY Red Bulls, the most paid for any MLS player.
While he didn't do as well as was hoped during the World Cup, during the Conferderations Cup last year, Altidore, along with Clint Dempsey, scored against (and defeated!) current World Cup Champions
SPAIN
These motherfuckers won the World Cup.
I don't have one pic or gif that I feel exemplifies La Furia Roja, so have a couple.
I also think Spain is probably the best looking of the national teams. Feel free to try to convince me otherwise though.
I'm not sure if it would be amazing or terrifying to be at the bottom of this.
Captain of this ragtag group of manpilers is the living legend
-*-Iker Casillas-*-
Literal GQMF.
Casillas is Spain's goalie, and arguably the best goalie currently active.
During the entire World Cup, he conceded two goals, both of them in Spain's first match against Switzerland.
We've got some JJ Abrams shit going on here. MOAR LENS FLARE
His goalkeeping prowess has even earned him the nickname San Iker. (Saint Iker. :P)
Casillas is also captain of his club team, Real Madrid,
a team which he has been associated with...pretty much his entire life.
.
Please refrain from licking the screen. And keep some water handy in case your pants burst into flames.
He used to have an adorable bromance with David Beckham, when Beckham was playing for
Real Madrid before he moved to LA to
And did I mention his smoking hot/flawless/gorgeous Spanish sports reporter girlfriend?
-*-Sara Carbonero-*-
They're seriously adorable.
OTP
Adorable and in love.
They probably leave scorch marks in the Earth when they have sex.
Returning to actual soccer players, also on the Spain NT is
-*-Fernando Torres-*-
"El Nino"
Torres plays as a striker for Spain and for the English Premier League club Liverpool.
While he had a lackluster World Cup that was marred by injury, he's still a great player:
BOOM!
And he's nice to look at too. O:)
His bitchfaces are legendary. And their own internet meme.
Bitchface is to Fernando Torres as thumbs up is to Stu Holden
But he's a qt when he smiles.
And when he's drunk.
Now, to class things up, we have Torres's former Liverpool teammate and Spain NT teammate
-*-Xabi Alonso-*-
Definition of GQMF; don't care if this is Esquire
A midfielder for Real Madrid, Alonso's wikipedia page is written in a hilariously breathless tone: On the Basque sands Alonso befriended a fellow resident of Calle Matia...
He is widely considered to be the best dressed man in football.
This is on top of just being generally gorgeous.
He also gives excellent side eye.
Do you feel inferior yet?
His bitchfaces are also quite excellent.
Interestingly- and disconcertingly- pictures of him from when he was younger make him look like Jared and Jensen's lovechild.
Xabi Padackles
Sometimes he plots how to end Christmas
And sometimes he carries around Spain teammate
-*-David Villa-*-
David Villa is possibly my favorite of all the Spain NT members. Partly this is because, as of this season, he plays for the first football team I supported, Barcelona. Partly this is because he seems like a funny, down to earth, and family oriented guy. And partly this is because he looks like an adorable gremlin person, especially when he's excited.
He's a also a damn good striker. Of the 8 goals Spain scored during the World Cup, he made 5 of them.
Living the life and rocking the soulpatch.
Surprise!Villa > Surprise!JDM
Villa's Villa
His last name also lends itself to the above awesome pun/macro combo.
And, like the rest of the Spain, he has a superb bitchface.
Here's Villa with Alonso and their Spain teammate
-*-Cesc Fabregas-*-
I actually don't have a lot of pictures of Fabregas on his own.
But, briefly, Fabregas is a midfielder and the captain of English Premier League Club Arsenal.
Sometimes, like here, his hair reminds me of Rod Blagojevich. Sorry familiar.
Besides winning the World Cup, this summer has been a dramatic one for Fabregas. His boyhood team Barcelona has, unsuccessfully so far, tried to bid him away from Arsenal. Fan passions have been riled up on both sides.
Apparently this is an actual quote. Also, he is afraid of mushrooms.
But really, I have a hard time taking him seriously.
Like Fabregas, I have very few individual pictures of his Spain teammate
-*-Gerard Pique-*-
Intense eyes of intensity
Pique has a reputation on the interwebz for being a giant, herp derping manchild.
I can't speak to the veracity of this, but he did spit on a guy during Spain's World Cup celebrations.
This is a herp derp.
Happyclap!
Pique is currently a center back for Barcelona, and, while he had a four year stint playing at Manchester United in England, he, like Fabregas, grew up playing football in Barcelona's youth academy.
Which brings me quite nicely to
-*-Fabrique-*-
bffles
Fabregas and Pique, whose portmanteau not of my invention is Fabrique, have known each other since they were children and have one of the most adorable bromances in football.
D'aaaaw.
This is exactly what it looks like.
They are too cute for this world.
Fabregas, however, is not the only one who has adorable/borderline inappropriate moments with Pique:
I believe that is Villa on the very top.
The man laying down on Pique?
-*-Fernando Llorente-*-
He is committed to the tight jersey.
Fernando Llorente is a striker for Spain and for the Spanish La Liga team Athletic Bilbao. He reminds me of a lion.
And he looks great in a suit. He also has amazing eyes, just like
-*-Jesus Navas-*-
Navas is a winger for Spain and the Spanish La Liga team Sevilla. He reminds me of an elf.
I'm convinced that if he and Llorente ever looked directly into one another's eyes, it would result in a tear of the time-space continuum.
I'm also convinced he has a secret bromance with
-*-Sergio Ramos-*-
Navas and Ramos ON A PLANE
Unfortunately, I haven't saved much evidence of this because it took me awhile to notice the fact that they are almost always standing right next to each other. But soon I will have all the proof I need.
I have a weird thing for guys with long hair wearing suits.
When I'm not obsessing over Ramos's possible secret bromances, I, like the rest of the world, am admiring his hair. . As you can see, he cleans up quite nicely. Though most of his fashion choices are nothing short of tragic.
I say suits or shirtless. Those are his only two choices.
Ramos is a defender for Spain and Real Madrid.
He also has an adorable relationship with Real Madrid and Spain teammate, Casillas. This relationship mainly consists of Ramos touching/hugging/kissing Casillas while Casillas looks annoyed.
Next up in our teams, who fell to Spain in a 1-0 defeat in the quarterfinals of the World Cup is,
GERMANY
aka Die Mannschaft
Like with Spain, I don't have One Perfect Picture of the German team, so have a few. They're an incredibly affectionate bunch.
While they weren't my favorite team at the World Cup, they were my favorite to watch. Want a game with lots of goals?
Germany scored 4 goals apiece in games against Australia, England, and Argentina.
They're also a very young team, and despite their relative youth and inexperience, placed third.
I am, needless to say, very excited to see how well they do four years from now in the next World Cup, once they've all had four more years of experience. And the player I'm most excited for?
-*-Thomas Mueller-*-
Mueller is an attacking midfielder/forward who currently plays for the German NT and the Bundesliga club Bayern Munich.
He's a gazelle.
He makes me feel like a failure. At twenty years old, he scored five goals and had three assists during the World Cup, earning him the Golden Boot for top goal scorer. He also won the Best Young Player award. This is despite having to sit out one of his team's matches- their defeat against Spain.
He also happens to look a lot like the Remus Lupin I've always pictured in my head- attractive in a sandy-haired, big nosed, gawky kind of way.
On top of all this general amazingness (I fan him pretty hard, if you couldn't tell), he's completely adorable.
He winks a lot.
And does stuff like this.
And roars.
Someone once described as being like a cartoon character. I completely agree with this assessment.
Nets! The eternal predator of lion-gazelles.
And sometimes he gets tangled in nets.
Here he is with teammate
-*-Arne Friedrich-*-
Friedrich hugging German NT World Cup captain Phillip Lahm.
On a team with a reputation for being affectionate and touchy by the standards of international football, Friedrich has a reputation for being the huggingest* of the bunch.
*(Totally a word)
Friedrich with teammate Oezil.
A center back, Friedrich plays for the Bundesliga team VFL Wolfsburg. This week, it was decided he needed back surgery. ):
So I'm hoping for the best for the poor bb.
He also does this adorable thing with his teammates' hands. I assume it is a prelude to the hugging.
The internet also occasionally refers to him as Prince Arne. This has nothing to do with an imperious temperament, and everything to do with the fact that he kind of looks like a Disney prince.
Just look at his smile, for chrissakes.
He also rocks a scarf. And can cook. *___*
And is just generally awesome.
Also awesome? (look guys, I've been working on this post for hours. I'm running out of transitions.)
-*-Bastian Schweinsteiger-*-
Schweinsteiger is a dork. And adorable. Adorkable. He's a midfielder who, like Mueller, plays for Bayern Munich.
He dances!
He falls off stools!
His laugh is ridiculously cute!
His girlfriend is out of his league!
But he's so cute, you can't really fault him for it. And they're incredibly sweet together.
Schweinsteiger's best friend on the German NT is
-*-Lukas Podolsku-*-
I don't really have many pics of Podolski either. However, I do know that, despite being Polish, he plays as a striker/winger for the German NT and on the Bundesliga team Koeln.
And, while I don't have a lot of pictures of Podolski on his own, I do have a tremendous amount of him with Schweinsteiger. Together, they make the football bromance
-*-Schweinski-*-
Schweinski has everything. It has headclutching!
Cheekpinching!
Camera whoring!
Hand holding!
Bed sharing!
Hugging!
General adorableness!
...Whatever this is!
They even have a designated third wheel,
-*-Mario Gomez-*-
Schweinskimez?
Gomez is also very close to Schweinsteiger. Like Schweinsteiger and Mueller, he plays on Bayern Munich as well as the German NT. He's a striker.
Here he is dancing with Schweinsteiger, with whom he seems to have a somewhat lesser though no less adorable bromance as the one between Schweinsteiger and Podolski.
I think this is also him with Schweinsteiger.
Wow Wow Wow!
This is from an amazing video in which he and Schweinsteiger go shopping together.
I am just as shocked as anyone that Gomez is married. To a woman.
One of my favorite things about him, besides his fabulousness, is his lack of tan lines.
I really don't think he wears underwear, tbqh
And I always appreciate it when he doesn't wear a shirt.
That's all I have for the die Mannschaft for now. So next up is
BRAZIL
These guys are fierce.
Most famous of them?
-*-Kaka-*-
Like most things in my life, the purpose of this picspam is largely shallow/part of a large and glorious in-joke with
familiardevil , and this late into the picspam, she's probably the only one still reading.So I'll limit my commentary about Kaka to the basics: he's an attacking midfielder currently playing for Real Madrid. He's one of the best players in the world. And he went through surgery recently. ): He has my best wishes for a swift recovery.
Now to just enjoy the pretty:
He's adorable.
He has a great smile.
He looks great in a suit. (As does RM teammate, Iker Casillas. Hello again Iker!)
And here are Iker and Kaka again. Being too precious for this world.
He also has a great body. Yay!
And he looks damn cute with...just about everyone. But I like to think he looks cutest with my personal favorite Brazilian, Nilmar:
This picture comes with bonus Robinho.
-*-Nilmar-*-
Nilmar is a striker for Spanish La Liga team Villareal. I originally noticed him in the World Cup because, well, he's kind of gorgeous. He's a good player too but this picspam is not about skill.
Look at his smiiiile!
I will, however, say that he seems like a genuine sweetheart. I can't find the interview now (I am not actually looking that hard for the interview, tbh), but he says while he hopes his newborn son is interested in football, the most important thing is for his son to grow up to be happy.
All together now: Aaaaaw.
Jailbait?.
And sometimes he looks like he's fifteen.
Definitely jailbait.
A really hot fifteen year old who makes you consider the benefits of a Demi Moore/Ashton Kutcher relationship.
Observe:
And here he is with one of my other favorite Brazilian bbs:
-*-Elano-*-
If I could sum up the entire Brazilian NT in one word, it would be adorable. Just look at this guy.
Elano is an attacking midfielder who currently plays for the Turkish Super Lig club Galatasaray.
):
Unfortunately, he was injured pretty badly in Brazil's second game in the World Cup, and had to sit out the rest of the World Cup.
And here he is with with Kaka (♥) and the final Brazilian in this spam
-*-Robinho-*-
Robinho is a striker who ostensibly plays for Manchester City. I say ostensibly because from January until earlier this month, he was playing for his home club Santos in Brazil on loan. While Santos didn't make a bid for him when his loan ended, he's expressed a desire to move from Manchester City before the summer transfer window closes at the end of this week.
So we'll see where he ends up.
He probably has one of the best smiles I've ever seen.
He also has an adorable tendency to look like Kaka's mirror image. Like here.
And here.
He's also a ham. But that just makes him even more adorable.
And that wraps up my NT spam. Now for
EVERYONE ELSE
-*-Cristiano Ronaldo-*-
He's Eurotrash.
What can one say about Cristiano Ronaldo? He's the captain of the Portugal NT. Like Kaka, he plays for Real Madrid, though as a forward/winger. Also like Kaka, he's one of the most famous and talented players in the world.
He's also an incredibly divisive figure. This is largely due to his personality, both on and off the field.
Absolutely adorable Eurotrash.
He's prone to tantrums and childish tricks. Apparently he skype dates women. And he, reportedly, picked up a woman with the immortal line, "You. Me. Fuck fuck."
The last one is kind of sketch. But it's testament to his personality that it sounds like it could be true.
But the woman he allegedly used that line on? Had his kid. And, in one of the strangest celebrity parental dramas in recent memory, Ronaldo paid her off to not contact the kid until he's eighteen and now has custody of the kid, who's apparently being raised by Ronaldo's mother.
Despite all this, I am somewhat unwillingly fond of the guy. And not because I'm attracted to him. He has the Chad Michael Murray Effect- any attractiveness the guy might have is ruined by his perceived douchiness.
But there's something so absolutely childlike about the guy that I love.
Like I said, childlike.
Like I said, childlike. Though, to be fair, I reacted the exact same way- jumping up, banging my fists, and all- when someone ruined the US v. Ghana game for me.
Douchehat.
The guy's a supporter of gay marriage, adorable with children, and spends a lot of his time and money on charity with children.
Like here:
He also rocks the pink flower and tight shorts look. When asked about this get up?
"Men wear pink these days. Okay, not many men wear flowers, but it’s good to be different."
In conclusion, I think the above picture sums up, quite nicely, my feelings about him: cynical dismay and stupid admiration.
Wait, one last thing, he and Kaka have another one of thos adorable football bromances. This one doesn't have a catchy portmanteau name that I'm aware of, but I would like to humbly suggest Kakaldo.
Kaka & Ronaldo
Kaka, back when they played on Inter Milan, also had a minor, but still cute, bromance with
-*-Yoann Gourcuff-*-
Gourcuff is a midfielder for, as of this week, the French club Lyon. He played on the French NT during the World Cup, but considering how the French NT.... imploded, what the national squad will look like in the future is in question.
No matter what though, he will remain one of the most gorgeous people in existence.
Fun fact: There are two other men in this picture.
Gourcuff is also incredibly close to how I've pictured Sirius Black in my head.
He's even wearing a leather jacket!
The next, and final, player to be introduced in this spam is:
-*-Rafa Marquez-*-
Marquez is a defender/midfielder and the captain of the Mexican NT. Recently of Barcelona, he transferred this summer to play for the NY Red Bulls. Reinforcing the notion that the MLS is where great footballers come to retire.
But he's handsome as fuck, so whatever.
And you would think that would finish the spam, except...
I wasn't really done with Carlos Bocanegra:
-*-Carlos again-*-
I also wasn't done with Iker Casillas, tbqh.
-*-Iker again-*-
Kindly continue scrolling to your right.
And that, ladies and gentlemen, is the end of this spam.
In conclusion:
Note on sources: Pictures are from all over the place- various lj comms, tumblr, google images, [Bad username or site: @ livejournal.com]'s magnificent spamming of [Bad username or site: @ livejournal.com]'s journal. Facts are mainly from wikipedia, articles, and interviews I've read/watched with the players.
