SPN Fic: Lazarus Park

[coyotesuspect]

Title: Lazarus Park
Fandom: Supernatural
Summary: What if Castiel were actually... A VELOCIRAPTOR IN DISGUISE?!?! Gen. Crack, obvs.
Rating: PG 13, mainly for cussing.
Word Count: ~650
Spoilers/Warnings: spoilers through end of season 4; also, this is appropriate for NO ONE.
AN: familiardevil  made me do it.

“Cas!” cried Dean. “You’re alive! I thought the archangel had exploded you!”

Castiel stared at him. It was a peculiar stare, intense and emotionless, almost reptilian…                               

But that was normally how Castiel looked at people, so Dean didn’t think anything of it.

“Sam broke the last seal,” said Dean, eyes shining wet with unshed tears. (Dean cried a lot.) “I couldn’t stop him in time. Now Lucifer’s going to end the world. What do we do now?”

“Now,” said Castiel. “We await the coming of my lord and savior: RAPTOR JESUS.”

And then Castiel ripped out of Jimmy Novak’s meat suit, and where a man-shaped being of questionable sexuality had once stood, there was now a raptor. In a trenchcoat. WITH MOTHERFUCKING WINGS, BITCHES.

“Oh hell no,” said Dean. “They do not pay me enough for this.”

-6-6-6-

“Holy shit Dean!” yelled Sam when Dean got back to the motel room. “Look at what’s on the fucking news!”

Dean looked. The screen caption read Breaking News: Raptor Angels Descend on Salt Lake City.

On the screen, winged raptors were descending from the sky, holding flaming swords and wearing expressions of dark intent. A swirling cloud of black appeared on the horizon. Demons.

The two forces met and clashed. People screamed and fled. The Mormon temple exploded, sending chunks of flaming rock everywhere.

Sam muted the TV.

“I know,” said Dean grimly. “Cas is one too.”

They watched in silence as Salt Lake City burned to the ground.

-6-6-6-

Dean was in the video store looking for the first two Jurassic Parks because 1) research and 2) the third Jurassic Park sucked almost as bad as the second and third Matrix movies. Jesus Christ people.

Suddenly, there was a flash of blinding light. There was more screaming, and when Dean could see again, a raptor stood next to him in the aisle.

“Dean,” it said. “You need to come with me.”

“Sorry,” Dean told it. “I was raised not to get into cars with strange reptiles.”

The raptor tilted its head. It was a familiar gesture.

“Castiel?” Dean hazarded.

The raptor nodded, somehow making its expression look more human than Castiel had ever managed to before. Then Dean realized Castiel was still wearing his trenchcoat.

Huh, Dean thought. That probably should have been a dead giveaway.

“We need you to lead the fight against the demons, Dean, in preparation of RAPTOR JESUS’ return."

“Uh,” said Dean, realizing suddenly that Castiel had been using him this whole time, just like Ruby had been using Sam. Dean was just a pawn to ensure the raptors won the fight and RAPTOR JESUS returned to the Earth to… do whatever the fuck it was dinosaur messiahs did.  “How about no?”

“But RAPTOR JESUS went extinct for your sins!” cried Castiel.

“Sorry babe,” said Dean. “But no. And don’t worry. It’s you, not me.”

-6-6-6-

Sam was in the motel room when Dean returned, pouring something purple and fruity smelling into a super soaker.

“Uh,” said Dean, dropping off the movies on the nightstand between his and Sam’s beds. “What are you doing?

“It’s grape juice,” said Sam cheerfully, by way of reply. He finished pouring the last of it into the water gun, then held the water gun out to Dean.

“Grape juice?” said Dean skeptically. Seriously, Sam thought they were gonna ward off velociraptors with grape juice?

“There’s a chemical in it,” Sam told him. “Methyl anthranilate, that authorities say might work to repel raptors.” He shrugs. “Salt works on demons; I don’t see why grape juice wouldn’t work on raptors.”

Dean nodded, taking the proffered super soaker. He was glad to hear there were authorities on the raptor threat, that someone, somewhere, had realized this moment was coming and prepared for it.

He pumped his water gun.

“Looks like we have work to do.”

AN: Season 5 = Demon/Raptor smackdown: Y/Y? The grape juice idea came from here. And more information on my lord and savior RAPTOR JESUS is here.

Feedback is good karma. Thanks for reading.

 

Comments

[saintsghost.livejournal.com]

WOW!!! Dude that is soooo freaking WEIRD!! But HILARIOUS! all the same. :)

[coyotesuspect.livejournal.com]

Pretty much what I was going for. Thanks for reading!

[sr625sw.livejournal.com]

oh wow... that was... it just.... there's... wow. So weird, but in a good way, I suppose. *is confused*

[coyotesuspect.livejournal.com]

Hee. I make my own fun. Thanks for reading.

[angelsallfire.livejournal.com]

I LOVE YOU.
More RAPTOR JESUS, pleezkthx?

[coyotesuspect.livejournal.com]

I LOVE YOU TOO STRANGE PERSON I DON'T KNOW.

lol Thanks for reading!

[locknkey.livejournal.com]

ROFL!

"man-shaped being of questionable sexuality" *hee*

Loved this, too much fun and Cas is very reptile like!

[coyotesuspect.livejournal.com]

He is! It's the stare! Thanks for reading. *gives cookies*

[ninjamidget66.livejournal.com]

OMFG! Just the title and summary had me laughing so hard I turned bright red and had tears in my eyes. My husband thought I was having some kind of fit. And THEN, I read it. LOL!

Raptor Jesus! "WITH MOTHERFUCKING WINGS, BITCHES!" Hahahahahahahaha! You're awesome. *wanders away giggling to self quietly*

[coyotesuspect.livejournal.com]

Hee. Thanks darling! This started life as comment-fic for a friend, and I'm glad to see I could amuse someone else. *g*

[ninjamidget66.livejournal.com]

This started life as comment-fic for a friend

Oh, thank you so much for sharing. It would have been such a shame for the world to have been deprived of velociraptor!Cas. I haven't been on LJ for awhile and this totally made it worth getting back on. :D

[coyotesuspect.livejournal.com]

:D Well welcome back to LJ then! Cheers that my dinosaur!angel crack didn't scare you away.

[familiardevil.livejournal.com]

*contributing*

[coyotesuspect.livejournal.com]

*licks you*

[dugindeep.livejournal.com]

“Salt works on demons; I don’t see why grape juice wouldn’t work on raptors.”

OF COURSE SAM OF COURSE.

[coyotesuspect.livejournal.com]

HIS LOGICS R UNASSAILABLE.

Also, lmao. Someone was bored at work today.

[dugindeep.livejournal.com]

HAHA A little bored and also seeking out the fic we were talking about before.

[akeyoftime.livejournal.com]

“Sorry,” Dean told it. “I was raised not to get into cars with strange reptiles.”

Bahahahahaha! Dean, you were raised right.

(Did the grape juice work?)

[coyotesuspect.livejournal.com]

Of course it worked! Would Sam's research lead them astray? No. No it would not.

Raptoriel's Questionable Sexuality

[epiphanyx7.livejournal.com]

OH MY GOSH OH MY RAPTOR JESUS OH MY.

<3 I have NO WORDS THAT ARE NOT IN CAPSLOCK TO EXPRESS MY GLEE! RAPTORS! WITH MOTHERFUCKING WINGS, BITCHES! ITS LIKE THE SECOND COMING OF CHRIST BUT IT GOT EVEN AWESOMER BECAUSE IT WAS RAPTOR JESUS!"

*flail*

“But RAPTOR JESUS went extinct for your sins!” cried Castiel.

“Sorry babe,” said Dean. “But no. And don’t worry. It’s you, not me.”

Nothing, NOTHING could have been more perfect than that. Raptoriel! AUTHORITIES on the raptor threat!

Okay it's after 5 AM and I'm still just flailing incoherently, but basically the gist of what I'm trying to say is that this is awesome and I love it. And Raptor!Cas.

Re: Raptoriel's Questionable Sexuality

[coyotesuspect.livejournal.com]

OF COURSE THERE ARE AUTHORITIES! IF JURASSIC PARK TAUGHT US ANYTHING, IT'S THAT RAPTORS, LIKE BEARS, ARE SOULLESS KILLING MACHINES.

ONLY RAPTORS ACTUALLY HAVE A GOD. THAT'S RAPTOR JESUS. AND HE'S A MOTHERFUCKING RAPTOR WITH MOTHERFUCKING MIRACLE WORKING POWERS.

THANK YOU FOR CAPSLOCKING. YOUR SUPPORT IS GREATLY APPRECIATED.

<3 <3 <3 <3

[unavoidedcrisis.livejournal.com]

This is everything that my life needs plus more, because there is grape juice :D

[coyotesuspect.livejournal.com]

Everyone's life needs a little raptor!angel action.

...And I really need a raptor icon. ):

Thank you for reading! :D